I’m texting you because I’m horny. LOL

And with those fateful words, Phil from Coventry sounded the deathknell for any possibility of us meeting for that coffee.

Online dating is still not really working for me. As you can see.

Phil from Coventry had seemed like an alright guy. Bit young maybe. But he had a correctly shaped face, decent head of hair and is an aeronautic engineer. So I thought I was pretty safe in thinking he would be relatively intelligent. Definitely more than the average crayon eater anyway. I mean he does things to plane engines.

A few texts back and forth had me slightly losing what enthusiasm I had had. But he did own a dog and we seemed to be getting on OK. Got to be worth meeting for a coffee, I thought to myself. After all, what’s the worst that can happen? People keep telling me I’m too picky, too specific, I mean, maybe what I should do is just date everyone that asks me and hope that one works.

There is that old saying, throw enough shit at the wall and something’ll stick. So maybe Phil will stick, I thought.

So we arranged to meet on the Monday.

On the Friday I was at work when I got a text from him at around midnight.

“I’m texting you because I’m horny. LOL”

To which my response was: “What the fuck?”

To which his response was: “I am horny though. LOL”

To which my response was “….”

I was properly shiveringly grossed out. We hadn’t even met and yet he seemed to be assuming that I would act as some kind of sext-line relief every time he found himself alone with a hard on. Bleuuuuuurgh.

On the Monday he texted asking if I still wanted to meet.

After I had picked myself up off the floor from my sudden onset of laughter, I declined on the basis that his text was, er, offputting.

His response?

“But I WAS horny. This isn’t going to work if you get offended every time I’m horny.”

I thought about trying to explain to him how he appeared to have missed the point somewhat. And, in fact, there are probably very few girls who would be flattered by clumsy attempts at sex texting from someone they haven’t even met yet, and that perhaps he might want to rethink his strategy in future.

And then I thought about life being very short and just left it.

Turns out people who fuck about with aeroplane engines don’t have to be intelligent after all. Good to know.