How to Eat Pussy

Eating pussy can be one of the most wonderful things you can do for a woman (or so I read on the cover of Cosmo). It makes her feel appreciated, respected, desirable, and hasthe potential to give her an orgasm that will shatter glass, raise the dead, even wake you in the next room. Besides, lots of women expect it these days, and men who perform great oral sex are always in demand. If you gain a reputation as an expert, many classy, attractive women, way out of your league, may overlook your other shortcomings. Just kidding, but it does give us an excuse to talk some more about vaginas.

The vagina is a mystery to most men. It’s hidden away. Taken out only for special occasions and then quickly put back into hiding. Like an english muffin, its full of nooks and crannies and tastes best slathered in melted butter. It also has lots of crumbs. For something so complex you’d think there would be instructions, or a map, or a help icon. How many times have you planted your face at heaven’s door and said to yourself, “Man, it sure would be nice if just once she told me what she liked? Should I feel free to move about the cabin or should I keep my seatbelt securely fastened and concentrate on her love button? Should I move up and down? Back and forth? In little circles? Dive in deep or doggy paddle on the surface? To finger or not to finger, that is the question?”

One of the key differences between performing oral favors on a woman versus a man is time. With men, the better you are, the shorter your performance. With women, you’re expected to be able to perform for extended periods of time. In order to develop marathoner-like endurance, there are a number of exercises that can be used to strengthen the muscles in your mouth.

Exercise 1
Stick your tongue as far out of your mouth as possible, and then try to touch your nose. Eat a booger, if possible. Repeat in 3 sets of 10 reps or when boogers are clear. This exercise is fun, funny to watch, and nutritious. It also makes a great decongestant.

Exercise 2
With a loose jaw, point your tongue while simultaneously trying to keep your tongue in constant contact with the top and bottom of your mouth. You’ll quickly learn that this is impossible. A Zen-like exercise designed to equip you mentally for failing again and again to satisfy your lover. 

Exercise 3
Keep your tongue relaxed and open your mouth. Move your tongue in and out of your mouth, forward, and in both directions, while licking hair from her hair brush. Try to focus while clearing the hairs. Practice in five sets of twenty and build up to adding aromas and darkness to the exercise.

Get Licking!

Now that your tongue is in shape it’s time to start licking. Lick everything you can get your tongue on and are legally allowed to touch. Be sure to invest in a big hunk of filleted salmon. I know what your saying, “Salmon is like $12 a pound, can’t I use a lollypop or a nice piece of dried cod?” When it comes to training for licking labia, you can’t skimp! Save the dried cod for her post-menopausal years.

Now, that’s a nice piece of fish, tastefully shaped to promote interest, and garnished with parsley to simulate the texture of her 10 o’clock shadow.

Not only does salmon have the right look and feel, after a couple of days it will smell right too. Before diving in, check your salmon for errant bones and remove any you find with a plier. Important Note: You don’t have to perform this task with a real pussy.

Basic Techniques

Its time to put on some romantic music, pour some wine, grab that hunk of salmon and master the following techniques. But first, lets reaquaint ourselves with the female gentalia. 

That pussy looks like its singing opera. If the pussy in front of you starts to sing you’re either doing something very right or you’re actually French kissing.

Lets talk technique. Jane Austen once wrote that “a good lover’s hands never stop moving.” She meant moving on the woman’s body, not on your own johnson or on the remote. Constant motion is important, and if you’re prone to sea sickness, focus on the horizon (or her Caesarian scar).

A big thanks to my old friend Carmen Electra who helped me out with this section. I tried out the different techniques on Carmen while my assistant took notes and photos.

The Lick Leaving your tongue soft and jaw relaxed (this is important to avoid cramping), try licking her from vaginal entrance (that’s the hole, the slit, the crease) up to her clit (that’s the clit) and following the outer edges of her vagina (that’s the lips or labia, not her hips or the edge of the bed) along both sides. Repeating this technique going up and down and vice versa can be a great opener. You might try “Hello” as an opener too, if she isn’t already spread eagle on the bed.

The Lick didn’t really do much for Carmen. I believe she said something like, “I hope you’re just warming up cause you gotta long way to go to get Carmen off!”

Labial Hold While holding the two parts together with your lips, run your tongue between the inner and outer labia one side at a time. Don’t hold it too long – labia need to breathe. I sometimes punch a few holes in them and attach an air freshener.
	While it looks like she’s happy, Carmen was actually saying “You call that a labial hold? I could reverse that hold and pin you in half a second!”

Tongue Intercourse The majority of a woman’s nerve endings in her vagina are around the opening and within the first couple of inches inside, or she may have them in an adorable beaded pouch in her purse. Target them with your tongue, acquiring the target with your heads-up display. Insert your munitions. This technique, like life itself, is limited due to length. If our God were a just God the sum total of tongue and penis length would be a constant for all men. Sadly, He decided it would be funnier to leave a bunch of us with limited length in both areas.

Now we’re getting somewhere! She said it reminded her of Tiny, the nickname she gave my dick.

The Flick (also called the Jablonsky) Spread her outer vaginal lips with your fingers. Wrap them around your head like a hat. Stop giggling and re-focus. With your tongue pointed, gently flick your tongue around her clit. Feel free to roam, but keep coming back to her clit, and if you go to the next apartment, don’t bring that bimbo back with you. This technique drives some women wild, and others find it to too intense, and most married women would rather be flipping through mail order furniture catalogs. When stimulating her clit make sure to start out gently if you aren’t sure how she likes it. If she likes it shaken not stirred, double-check the size of her “clit.” When you try this, pay attention to whether those moans are ecstasy or pain or maybe she’s waking up.

The flick got her attention, or she might have been wondering about the stains on the poster of her I keep on my bedroom wall. I told Mom to iron out the wrinkles!

Advanced Techniques

The following techniques should not be introduced until your partner is really hot (i.e., very wet, me-so-horny, in heat, lust-filled, cock-hungry, faking it). These are more intense techniques, and may be too intense for some women, even when nearing orgasm. They may also lead to 9-1-1 calls to the police and follow-up restraining orders. Proceed with caution.

The Clitoris Suck Expose her clitoris by spreading her lips and lightly pulling back her hood. When her hood is pulled back, make sure it’s really her and not the cleaning lady, put the hood back and readjust your own hood in case her’s falls off again. With her clitoris exposed, give it a quick little suck. Now when she tells you that you suck, you can take it as a compliment! This is a lot like licking a bit of cake batter off of your pinky, except not as tasty and it shouldn’t bring back fond memories of Mom. We recommend not using your teeth nor using heavy suction (i.e. vacuum cleaner) when starting out.

Her lips are pursing – she’s focusing. I know she’s close. Turns out she was close to passing gas, but from Carmen, it smelled like roses.

The Clitoris Hold Take her exposed clit into your mouth and gently suck on it, simultaneously flicking your tongue over and around it. Don’t gag on it. Swallow what you can and close your eyes and make believe you’re not really there. When asked if you like this, grunt an affirmation. Go to your happy place until it’s all over. Take the pack of smokes and go back to your cell.This section inadvertently transcribed from my prison diary

Unfortunately, the intensity of this technique gave Carmen a headache. It started up there and then moved around the eyes.

The Clitoris Pick and Roll Take her exposed clit down to the local bakery. Order a nice Kaiser roll. Slather with mayo and enjoy.
	How was I to know she was doing the low carb thing? She just licked off the mayo and told me to move on.

The Tongue Tube Roll your tongue into a tube (if you cannot do this, skip this section because it is genetic and you can’t learn it – bad whistler = bad pussy eater). Roll your tongue into a tube around her clitoris so your tongue is doing something similar to a woman’s vagina around a man’s penis. If you can do this you really should become a homosexual and go find an actual man’s penis. Why waste this talent on a little clitoris?

My tongue roll blew her away, especially when I finished with a twisting 2½ in the pike position – she was shocked and awed.

ABC’s Try using your tongue to spell the alphabet on her genitals. This works surprisingly well as your tongue is always moving in different directions. When I’m bored I like to send subliminal messages to my lover. Stuff like, “Doing the dishes is fun,” and “Stop inviting your annoying friend, Rachel over to our house,” and my favorite, “When are you going to come? I’ve lost all feeling in my jaw and Sportcenter started 10 minutes ago.” If your lover is a non-English speaker do your best to simulate Sanskrit, Cyrillic, etc. If your lover is illiterate, get your face out of her pussy and teach her to read ferChristsakes.

This is when Carmen thanked Jesus that I was born and that my tongue had been introduced to her vagina.