Why you would want to date a latina?
Latinas are beautiful, curvy, passionate and straightforward. Not judgemental at all about many things North American women seem to be hung up on—you know, like having a job, goals, career aspirations, being born in the same decade and so on. And they like to wear tight jeans. If you were to somehow get a list of things a North American girl wants from a man, it would be extensive—perhaps a scroll. For the latinas, so far, it seems they like men who breathe and have heartbeats. I can manage that. For a time.
Though my experience is quite limited and none of this advice is field-tested or verified by third parties, I am offering it up anyway. If you were looking for Scientific American, you’ll find it 738 blogs down just past the Huffington Post. At Wordfish, we have a modest budget, assets consisting of a 5/8’s of a pack of Trident gum, 2 paper clips and a sincere desire to seek and know the truth—as long as it doesn’t take all day.
1. Don’t ask them out with an iPhone app
I did this once with Jibbigo before I had any Spanish whatsoever. Jibbigo on an iPhone translates either typed-in text or spoken words in English to Spanish and back again—all without depending upon a network connection. As cool as Jibbigo is, none of the coolness appears to transfer to the app user himself and, sort of suspecting this fact at the time, I was surprised when the lucky senorita said ‘Si’. Even so, the whole venture was doomed from the start and, once free of the hypnotizing glow of my iPhone screen, she gave her head a shake—and quite rightfully so. I now use Jibbigo strictly in communication emergencies—as in “What did she just call me?” or with people I need to buy things from.
2. Never tell them you are a vegetarian
I’ve done this several times now and the reaction is always the same. The expression—furrowed brow, crinkled up nose, complete shock and bewilderment. For me I feel I’m simply stating an empirical fact. For her, the reaction is as if someone had just farted in her face. I’ve learned to hold off until some of my other charms have chance to get a footing before announcing this apparent character defect.
3. Never tell them “Jesus was a real swell guy, but…”
I’m definitely a Possibilian but it is best to avoid discussions of theology with latin women. They go to church. Cry for Jesus. I’m okay with it. I’m just not one of them and if dragged into a church and forced to say prayers I fear I will either spontaneously combust or snicker at an inappropriate time. Most likely the former.
4. Do tell them you have no spouse or kids
Even if you have kids and a spouse. (Haha, kidding.) This conversation usually happens within 15 minutes of meeting. They’ll ask—completely unabashedly: Do you have a spouse. Do you have kids. Why not? Do you want a spouse? I love the directness. Plus I have the correct answers ready.
5. Avoid waitresses
Advice that is good for all women, at home and abroad. Yes, she’s beautiful and bringing you delicious food and cold beer with a big smile on her face, laughing at everything you say, flirting, lightly touching your shoulder as she leans over to set down the utensils, and, as a man, it is easy to confuse this feeling with love, but it is not love. It is commerce. Few have swam that snake-infested-undertow-ridden river and made it to the other side. You are probably not one of them. I know I’m not.
6. If they cry in front of you for no apparent reason, do not be alarmed.
They are probably just being fiery latinas. Just adopt an appropriate look of concern and, if you have the words, you can ask what the problem is and whether you can help, but it is most likely not serious. Hand her a tissue and ride it out. It will be over as quickly as it started.
7. Unlike back at home, you are free to give compliments early on.
Compliments are taken rather well and not second-guessed. You must step up and try to be as upfront as they are. Luckily, if you are just learning Spanish and barely have any words, you possess none of the subtler phrases anyway, so you can simply charge through language like the proverbial bull in the china shop and still be forgiven for saying something like, “You pretty. Me likey.”
8. Putting an ‘o’ or an ‘a’ on the end of English words is not a substitute for speaking actual Spanish.
But you knew that already.
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