How to talk dirty

Like scrumptious poached eggs or a manly high-five, dirty talk is tough to get right but infinitely rewarding if you can nail it. It can get you more sex and make the sex you have infinitely more enjoyable. Which, if you like having lots of great sex, can only be a GOOD thing.

The trouble is, most of us don’t know where to start when it comes to talking dirty. We can choose the right words when ordering a pizza or telling our overfriendly barber where we’re going on holiday, but quickly turn into a Basil Fawlty-esque blithering idiot as soon as we try to tell a girl what we’d like to do to them.

Read on, and you’ll realise just what a powerful tool your mouth can be; and not just in the ordering and devouring pizza sense.

Reading the scene is imperative. If you’re both virgins, you’ve waited patiently for the 18 months leading up to this moment, you’re cuddling up surrounded by scented candles, with David Gray’s This Year’s Love setting the mood, and you catch each other’s eye and share that look that says, “Let’s cement our beautiful union with the wonderful act of lovemaking,” it’s probably not the best time to grab your belle by the hair and growl “I want to slam my trouser-trunk right up your honey badger”.

If, however, you’ve had an active sex life with your partner for a while and she seems like the type who might fancy spicing things up with a bit of saucy chat, give it a bash and see how it goes.

The best idea is to treat it like skateboarding. No, not by wearing wearing knee pads, elbow pads and a plastic helmet fastened under your chin – just start slowly and up the ante as you get the hang of it.

While you’re kissing and messing around during foreplay in bed, moan something like “God, that feels great. I love it when you do that”. If your girl seems to go for it, push a little further. Tell her you “love it when she’s dirty”. Tell her what she does that turns you on. Tell her what you’d like to do to her. Tell her you’re an injured pony and she’s that fit one from The Really Wild Show and that you want her to nurse you back to health. Tell her whatever. It’s your fantasy, soldier.

The beauty of it is, you already have a good sex life together, so you know that you’re sexually compatible. So there’s no reason to fear that a torrent of racial slurs and animal-fancying wants will come spewing uncontrollably out of your mouth, alienating your partner forever. Rather, we’d bet that what turns you on turns her on just as much, if not more. And she’ll probably be delighted and impressed that you had the balls to kick off the dirty talk in the first place.

If you’re still too scared to take the plunge, you could do worse than leaving this very page open on your computer for your girlfriend to stumble across. Sneaky, eh?

Once you’ve broken the ice, the world of naughty chat is your sexy oyster. You can send her a raunchy text while she’s at work which will leave her yearning for you all day. You can whisper something filthy in her ear on the bus home. Anything that gets her thinking about sex will heighten the sexual arousal and make the sex all the better when you have it.

There is the possibility that, having opened the stable door, your Mrs might bolt out of it like a foulmouthed prostitute mare, turning the air blue all around her. If she goes too far, or says things you don’t like, you can tell her. Nay, you should tell her. It’s better to nip these things in the bud rather than let her carry on thinking she’s driving you wild when in fact you’re crying inside like a small child watching his favourite teddy be put down.

Don’t leap from the bed shouting “GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU FREAK!” just whisper “that doesn’t really do it for me, baby” and then tell her what does turn you on. Like you, she’ll just be eager to please.