Tips on how to use an escort and NOT get caught!

After a weekend away (in fact a girl friend’s birthday adult weekend to a holiday park which was the English version of Magaluf for the over 30’s), utterly nightmarish but I put on a good act and made the best of a bad situation. I’m now back and thought I would share some basics on how to not get caught.

Sometimes I think that some clients subconsciously want their partner to find out about their affairs as the errors they make are so fundamental it screams “catch me”. I for one certainly do not want anyone to get caught using an escort, or having an affair, especially with me. I’m more than happy to put a smile on my clients face but I have no desire to wipe a smile off anyone’s face so please don’t get me involved in any relationship issues.

Here’s my idiots guide on how NOT to be an idiot and NOT get caught.

1) Keep your lies as close to the truth as possible: you are obviously a lot more believable when you tell the truth, so tell 90% of the truth. Say you took a day off to go shopping, go shopping, but you don’t need to to tell her about the couple of hours spent with me. If you go away with the lads and one of the nights is spent with me, then you just tell as much of the truth as  possible without telling the whole truth. In a nutshell: don’t lie, just omit the details she doesn’t need to know. Fit me into a slot when you have already made plans to stay away for work.

2) Have a bank account she doesn’t know about: Easy enough these days with on line banking and paperless statements, just make sure you inform the bank not to post you anything. Pull  the cash from this account, pay the hotels and dates from this account and make sure you get rid of all the receipts before going home.

3) Shower before you go home: Don’t just have a wash but it’s a good idea to change your clothes, so any stray hairs, smell of perfume (I don’t wear perfume for this reason) is removed and you can walk in much more relaxed than on edge.

4) Have a legitimate excuse for getting out more: Decide to follow a football team more passionately, attending matches, away fixtures, this way you can have fun following the football team and then when you want to ditch the football and see me you have a perfect window of a few hours without your lady wondering what you are up to. Plus they don’t want to know the details of the football match, quite simply we won, or we lost, or we drew will be about as much info as they want, and they will be pleased to see you haven’t come back drunk, so you’re in the good books. Or join a book club, archery, shooting, pottery, whatever it is it has to be something you do like and do, to maintain point 1)’s point, and something your wife will not want to do.

5) Go on regular man-cations, whether it be with your local friends, or friends you haven’t caught up with for a long time and have re found on facebook etc, school college, uni, hometown friends. This way it won’t seem unusual when you stay away for a weekend to see a mate from your past, which just so happens to be me.

6) Don’t fall in love: I know, very difficult after you’ve met me (only joking) but if you are looking for love you need a divorce not me. If you are looking for fun, keep it as that and keep to the times when we meet, to spoil me and the in between meetings time is all about you and your partner.

7) Always practice safe sex: easy with me as I won’t have it any other way, but just in case you stupidly decide to have an affair rather than an escort nothing screams affair more than an std, or a pregnant woman on your doorstep

8) DO have a secret email account and DON’T add it to your phone: Get into the habit of closing down all your screens and setting up an automatic lock on your computer every time you leave it, yes, even if it is just to make a coffee, you never know when she will find the urge just to check something and ping, you’re in trouble. if she asks why you have password locks on phones and computers then blame work and say that risk maangement have strict guidelines.

9) Delete your Internet history every day, or set it up so it is deleted every session. If they do decide to pry make sure you come away squeaky clean.

10) If you must text, then keep it to innocent messages: “can you confirm our lunch meeting” NOT “you make me so horny I can’t wait to meet for lunch followed by you naked”. Again, if you delete all your texts, then make sure it is consistent, i.e. set your phone up not to keep texts and sent items, don’t suddenly start deleting all when she becomes suspicious.

11) Remember who comes first: Your long term partner does! If you are only using an escort for sexual gratification remember to appreciate your partner because of all the other things she adds to your life and make sure you let her know you appreciate it. Whether that be listening to her when she’s had a bad day, to doing something she wants to do at the weekend, yes, seeing that rom com at the cinema that she wants to see and just enjoy pleasing her.  You have you time, with me; so make time for her with you and make it special for her.

12) Use the different postcode rule: Don’t cheat on your doorstep, remember that although escorts are so much more discreet than affairs, it only takes one nosy neighbour to see you going into someone else’s house. Different postcodes, different counties, reduces the risk.

13) Tell no one: this keeps it easy for your friends and family: they shouldn’t have to lie for you, and if you follow the simple rules they won’t need to.

14) Ideally don’t save my number to your phone: but as I have a name that could be for either sex then it is not so bad, but if you’re escort is called Cristal, or Mistress Dominatrix, then either don’t save the number, (we’re quite easy to find again on the Internet), or save it under a company name. Delete all phone records for that person ever time you communicate.

What I do to make sure you don’t get caught:

1) My answering machine message is just a phone one, it doesn’t say who it is, this does mean sometimes potential clients won’t leave messages as they are not sure they have the right number but it also means that nosy partners won’t know anything.

2) If I do answer it will always just be a “Hello, Taylor speaking” and I won’t ever answer with a hey honey, or any sexual content.

3) I don’t wear perfume unless you are single

4) I don’t call or text without contact from you and if I call I let it ring once and put it down.  If I text it will be neutral, “sorry I missed your call”, or  ” all confirmed for Tuesday” and so on

5) I don’t have a partner so there is no one at this end who gets jealous or nosy

6) My security buddy is the only person who knows who I meet, when and where and all details are destroyed after I arrive home from that meeting

7) Some of my friends know I am an escort, but I don’t discuss my clients with anyone

8) I don’t fall in love. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy the company of my clients and the time I spend with them but I am fiercely independent and the reason why I like my clients so much is because it is temporary. Our time together is very personal but our time apart is all business and I am lucky that I can keep my emotions in check. I do think about my clients and smile at the memories of the good times, or at the thought of a future booking but when I’m not with you, you are a client and when I am with you, you are a temporary boyfriend.

9) I have no desire to break up relationships, in fact I like to think that my service enables relationships to stay together for longer because it keeps all parties happy.

10) If I save your number on my phone it is under a code and not a name and all texts, call logs are deleted constantly.

So that’s it, a bit of a serious one I’m afraid, but just wanted to give you guys the heads up so you can stay one step ahead of your partners, as I’d hate for a relationship to suffer just because you needed to get some needs met but weren’t discreet enough about it.

Stay safe, have fun and call me or email me to book an appointment. I’d love to hear from you.